We’ve all tried to accomplish it, or at least had the intention of trying. Leaving that hurtful vice behind is a thought that flirts around with us at some point or another. A pleasurable addiction that consciously hurts us, but has given us so many guilty pleasures that it makes it hard to leave behind. So you play around with the idea at first. To make it happen, first you need to let people know. Your friends and family support the idea, and yet, somehow, it’s not the first time they have. You know that in the end the intention is what counts, and you feel glorious, triumphant.
So then, you go on with your life and the next day you feel you can take over the world. Somehow just saying it out loud makes you feel like you’re over it. You’ve finally defeated the beast, but the minute you look away it comes back. Haunting you, hurting you, slowly eating you away. A part of you can’t deny the taste for it, but the rest of you is screaming out loud for help and begging you to stop.
So the next time, you say: this is it. It’s over. I’m done with it. I’m through.
You acknowledge the fact that it’s painful, and are truly determined to give it all away for the serenity of just being you. This time, you not only tell your friends, but you decide to act. You go through a day or two, thinking and saying to yourself it’s for the best. You lie to yourself repeatedly saying this is what you want: “Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” You say to yourself: I am so much happier. And yet, you take a look in the mirror and can’t pronounce a single word. Your eyes defy the words you speak and deep inside you’re hoping you can find a way to stumble, a way to inadvertently trip over yourself and fall like
And somehow, it gains on you again, convinces you its ok to feel this way and to accept the terms of your engagement. You don’t see how you could have it any other way. You are a victim of your own ambition and become a person you would never thought you would be. You deny your own freedom and tell yourself this is how it should be and you accept it. You accept the fact that you have lost the key.
You go on through your life in a fog of denial and uncertainty. You say to yourself you are in control and yet feel like you’re floating in a dream, painfully knowing one day you’ll roll out of bed and wake up. And when that moment finally happens, when that day finally arrives, you open your eyes to reality and see. You see a parallel world where things just aren’t what they seemed. The curtain is unveiled and even though you’ve known all along what’s behind it, you despise it.
But you are no longer angry, you’re not upset, and you are no longer sad.
Somehow, it’s different this time.
The clouds slowly begin to fade away and a glimpse of light appears in the horizon. The sun is finally shining and you take a deep breath of clean air. You take a look around and see familiar faces. Then one person takes your hand, and then another, and another. And then you realize that there is no key, there never was. The door is wide open and all you have to do is take the first step and walk through it. This time, there is no way you can fall. All odds are on your side and the road has never been wider. So you take a look around, point your finger and say: I’m going that way.